isn't it ironic, don't you think?

current status: came out to one of my best friends by email two weeks ago, i still haven't heard back from her.

it's like rain on your wedding day
it's a free ride when you're already late
it's a good advice that you just didn't take
and who would have thought it figures...

my version goes like this...

'best friend' finally realises she feels the same for me too. she's also coming to visit in about five weeks' time for mardi gras - amongst other things. hmmm. it's my ultimate dream come true. can you believe it? i know i said that i was getting over her sometime in october. well, i was in denial. i couldn't do it. it got more intense as the months progressed. it got even more intense as she started to respond. then we hit the wall and realised...what if this is it? (that was her)...what if she changes her mind and i'm left bleeding? (that was me).

so i sit here and wait...32 days more to go. thing is she's travelling right now and has no access to the net. in the last two weeks i've had to resort to text messaging and brief phone calls. the less contact i had with her, the more paranoid and pathetic i got. who would have thought i had that in me? i certainly didn't. amazing how the strongest feelings can bring out the worst in us. freaky. scary. stuff you see on tv and in others that you swore to yourself you will never, ever do. wrong! never say never.

of course there's a lot more to this than i can possibly blog about it. it's way more complicated and intense than that.

so back to the irony of it all...i have spent the last 10 months meeting online girls for coffee, wondering when i'll ever get asked on a date or when i'll meet someone i like enough to ask out on a date. well, guess what? it all happened in the last week. the week that 'best friend' and i finally got to a point where we both agreed 'let's see where this takes us...'.

a friend asked me on a real date and told me she's been thinking about me. a girl i met recently that i've been hanging out with turns out to be this hot, cool, spunky, smart chick that i would have asked out on a date (i've never asked anyone out on a date)...but you know what? i turned down a date with my friend and i will not be asking anyone out on a date.

i've waited for months to get to this place where something could happen with my best friend. there is no way i am going to jeopardise this with some random, fleeting curiosity (as curious as i may be). why? and how do i know this is what i want to do?

...when i talked to her briefly on the phone this morning before she disappeared on her big adventure trip...i knew she is the one i want to be with. she is the one i want to find out if we can make this work. as hard as it is with the distance right now...i need to wait and find out. some people say i'm mad, but i say...i have mad, strong feelings for her that i can't ignore. we have a connection that i've never had before (albeit online, skype, webcam, phone) but it's so important that i want to find out...need to find out. i can't wait to see her and finally meet her and hang out with her in real time, face to face.

of course this could totally flop and i could end up painfully heartbroken.

if things don't work out for us and we both realise that this isn't it...i may find myself totally dateless and back to square one again...this is one risk i am going to take. for love. or the potential of a future with her.

sick, huh?

i can't help it. it's how i feel.

oh the joys of online dating.

years ago i swore i will not get into an LDR.

again, never say never.

32 days to go..................