i watched this documentary last night and although this is from a muslim perspective, the challenges that i have faced and the fears i've had were very similar. the major difference is that my life is not at risk from choosing to live my life in freedom.
last night i started thinking about those 'in the family' who are not only grappling with their sexuality, but also in fear of their life should they choose to come out or declare who they love. it made me appreciate the freedom i have and that despite this freedom i still didn't have the courage to come out until i was 35 years old.
if you're reading this and you live in a country where being gay is illegal, this posting is for you as i may not know exactly what you're going through, but i know a bit of what it's like to live in fear of living a life of openly accepting my sexuality.
i thought i was brave for having come this far.
but you're much, much braver than me.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Sunday, October 12, 2008
she's my bubbly
six days away from being with my girl. breathing the same air in the same city. to be able to see her smile in the flesh and not on webcam. the things i won't be taking for granted.
p.s. cute colbie caillat live in concert - worth watching!
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place
It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
p.s. cute colbie caillat live in concert - worth watching!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
the snowball effect
i think this is what she meant when she said......"be prepared, because once it happens there's no stopping"...
my friend was of course referring to the coming out process.
that's kinda how i feel right now.
the decision to move back to be with the girl has a lot of implications and affects a huge part of my life. my old life. that i am trying to reconcile with the new. going back meant i am suddenly forced into supersonic coming out speed where what might have taken me a good few years to do is now taking about two weeks.
i came out to another friend who lives in the same city i'm moving back to. came out to another common friend and then another common friend. all christians. my connections in that city are mostly from the church.
interesting responses so far.
friend #1 (the one i'm closest to) responded with 'this is a shock, i need time to process. i'll get back to you as soon as i know what to say. it's been over a week.
friend #2 (who used to mentor me in all things related to faith) responded with 'i am saddedned by your news. i don't approve of this relationship. you know where i stand with this with regards to my faith but you're still my friend and i'm looking forward to catching up with you when you get back.
friend #3 (she was part of this group, we used to hang out together a lot but i'm not as close to her but still considers her a good friend) responded with 'I STILL LOVE YOU, you're still my friend, it must have so hard for you, i'm crying reading your email thinking about how hard it must have been'.
hmmm. i guess i am trying to grapple with the fact that my closest friends so far have responded with what seems like 'it's about them and how they feel about this'. why is that? why is it that the most personal thing i've shared with the suddenly becomes about them? does it have to do with them feeling betrayed from not having suspected or having known? are they suddenly thinking that maybe i was attracted to them?
my best friend of 19 years responded with (after three months of not having heard any response to my email) 'you ruined my year when i heard your news'.
albeit that maybe they preferred that i shared this with them in person or by phone...maybe. but not living in the same country right now meant that it's a much more difficult process. i knew that sending an email gives me the opportunity to really share deeply about my journey so far, instaed of trying to explain this process awkwardly on the phone. i also felt that this gives them an opportunity to proecss the news without the pressure of having to respond immediately if we were face to face or on the phone.
anyway...so suddenly news is getting out. i'm heading back. the paranoid version of me is sometimes worried about having to explain my new life to old friends. the pathetic version of me thinks life would be so much easier if i she moved to where i am instead (that way i don't have to face the judgment and questioning from people). the better version of me doesn't care too much because this is my life and i am no longer willing to live my life based on other people's expectations on me, on my own expectations of myself (the closeted me) and denying myself to happiness just because i am fearful that i am going to hell (due to years of religious programming).
so hasn't been the easiest of emotions. i almost feel like i've literally been kicked out of the closet, matched with a press release on facebook.
this would have taken 10 years if i had stayed here.
maybe less heartache, less chest pains, less fear and pain.
but here i am snowballing out of the closet and it's out control (my definition of control).
i can't say i'm enjoying it but it's one of those experiences where i know i only have to pass his way once...cringe factor and all....with my eyes partly covered to sheild me...but i know it's good for me.
character building? yes.
fun? i wouldn't quite call it fun.
a chance to live an authentic life in a world where i never thought it's possible? MOST DEFINITELY.
i can't turn back now.
i can only keep going forward.
one
step
at
a
time.
and sometimes it feels like a sprint.
uncomfortable.
but good for me in the long run.
oh life, coming out and all that.
i really have no choice but to sieze the day, the snowball can't exactly go back nor would i want to.
my friend was of course referring to the coming out process.
that's kinda how i feel right now.
the decision to move back to be with the girl has a lot of implications and affects a huge part of my life. my old life. that i am trying to reconcile with the new. going back meant i am suddenly forced into supersonic coming out speed where what might have taken me a good few years to do is now taking about two weeks.
i came out to another friend who lives in the same city i'm moving back to. came out to another common friend and then another common friend. all christians. my connections in that city are mostly from the church.
interesting responses so far.
friend #1 (the one i'm closest to) responded with 'this is a shock, i need time to process. i'll get back to you as soon as i know what to say. it's been over a week.
friend #2 (who used to mentor me in all things related to faith) responded with 'i am saddedned by your news. i don't approve of this relationship. you know where i stand with this with regards to my faith but you're still my friend and i'm looking forward to catching up with you when you get back.
friend #3 (she was part of this group, we used to hang out together a lot but i'm not as close to her but still considers her a good friend) responded with 'I STILL LOVE YOU, you're still my friend, it must have so hard for you, i'm crying reading your email thinking about how hard it must have been'.
hmmm. i guess i am trying to grapple with the fact that my closest friends so far have responded with what seems like 'it's about them and how they feel about this'. why is that? why is it that the most personal thing i've shared with the suddenly becomes about them? does it have to do with them feeling betrayed from not having suspected or having known? are they suddenly thinking that maybe i was attracted to them?
my best friend of 19 years responded with (after three months of not having heard any response to my email) 'you ruined my year when i heard your news'.
albeit that maybe they preferred that i shared this with them in person or by phone...maybe. but not living in the same country right now meant that it's a much more difficult process. i knew that sending an email gives me the opportunity to really share deeply about my journey so far, instaed of trying to explain this process awkwardly on the phone. i also felt that this gives them an opportunity to proecss the news without the pressure of having to respond immediately if we were face to face or on the phone.
anyway...so suddenly news is getting out. i'm heading back. the paranoid version of me is sometimes worried about having to explain my new life to old friends. the pathetic version of me thinks life would be so much easier if i she moved to where i am instead (that way i don't have to face the judgment and questioning from people). the better version of me doesn't care too much because this is my life and i am no longer willing to live my life based on other people's expectations on me, on my own expectations of myself (the closeted me) and denying myself to happiness just because i am fearful that i am going to hell (due to years of religious programming).
so hasn't been the easiest of emotions. i almost feel like i've literally been kicked out of the closet, matched with a press release on facebook.
this would have taken 10 years if i had stayed here.
maybe less heartache, less chest pains, less fear and pain.
but here i am snowballing out of the closet and it's out control (my definition of control).
i can't say i'm enjoying it but it's one of those experiences where i know i only have to pass his way once...cringe factor and all....with my eyes partly covered to sheild me...but i know it's good for me.
character building? yes.
fun? i wouldn't quite call it fun.
a chance to live an authentic life in a world where i never thought it's possible? MOST DEFINITELY.
i can't turn back now.
i can only keep going forward.
one
step
at
a
time.
and sometimes it feels like a sprint.
uncomfortable.
but good for me in the long run.
oh life, coming out and all that.
i really have no choice but to sieze the day, the snowball can't exactly go back nor would i want to.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
101 ways of saying 'i'm gay' without saying it
'got everything but the wife'
my girl and i were window shopping for furniture a few months ago in newtown, sydney's other gay central (other than oxford st) and the shop assistant came up to us to and said hi. we were admiring this very cool leather couch when the shop assistant said 'yeah, i have that same couch and i also have the dog. the only thing missing is the wife'. it took a few seconds for me to register what she had said. i was so impressed with how she did it. we exchanged a few laughs and off we went. sometimes i find myself feeling like i have to explain and go through my personal history to get to my point. i left the store buzzing from that brief encounter.
'my partner...she...'
i was at a work meeting the other day and i had been wondering if she is gay. i have seen her wear a rainbow wristband but that could still mean anything. she has mentioned her partner a few times but have never followed it up with the 'he...or she...'. the other day she finally said it...'my partner works there. so my partner can pick up the art work....she...'. there! she finally said it! she's family. i left the meeting with a huge smile on my face.
i find the coming out quite excruciating at times. i am slowly realising that the level of comfort i feel about who i am also reflects on how comfortable i am about telling others. if i feel like i don't need to explain then it becomes just another topic of conversation or just like saying 'i'm don't like tea, i prefer coffee'.
there are times when i get frustrated with feeling like i have to come out all the time. then i ask myself why do i feel like i have to come out all all the time? why do i feel like i have to explain myself to everyone? straight people don't say 'hi, my name is....and i'm straight'.
but i also know that some friends/relationships will appreciate hearing it from me personally.
i sent another email to one of my close friends this morning. it took almost a month to write it, not sure why but for some reason i just struggled to get it finished. in the end i bit the bullet and decided to just write my thoughts and send it off. we'll see how she responds to it.
these last few weeks have been like 'coming out month' for me. i moved to sydney totally in the closet, not even knowing if i really will have the courage to come out. when i started my job i avoided all conversations related to dating and partners. i was that uncertain that i even made sure i mention enough 'dates with guys' stories in conversations. it was part of my process. i'm not proud of it but at the time i really didn't know how to deal with the 'i'm in the process of coming out' phase.
i am leaving this job totally out to everyone. everyone knows i am going back home to be with my girl. when my resignation comes up in conversations i now just say 'yes, i found a great job and my partner is in ... and she is ...'. i say this without blinking or changing the tone of my voice.
have i come a long way? oh god yes. major growth spurts in the last eighteen months.
confidence level up? yes. i guess i just feel more comfortable about not having to explain who i am. instead of feeling comfortable about having to explain who i am. quite a significant difference. i still stumble at times but it's getting easier.
so this blog started with me falling in love with my new found best friend.
this is not quite 'the end' of the story yet. in fact i see this as another chapter to this journey. our relationship has gone from we're best friends to 'let's see how this goes' -> to 'this is something worth paying attention to' -> to numerous flights to spend time together -> to 'here's a promise ring' -> to 'i'm moving back home to be with her'. my career is flexible enough to be able to handle the change, while she's is deeply rooted in her study commitments and her job opportunities.
she is amazing. you know how sometimes you dream of the kind of person you would love to end up with and wonder if it's ever going to happen or if it's possible at all. she is that person.
the next challenge is coming out to my old life back home. facing people who knew me as the straight-church-going-girl to the new me. i'm anxious. i've lost sleep over it. but each day i am reminded of what else i'm going back to. a life with her.
re-discovering my old stomping grounds with my new found life.
living an authentic life in a world that represents closetedness and years of denial will require a serious paradigm shift for me...and i feel like i have to explain this shift to everyone.
...but that's what it is...this is now about me...and maybe i will finally learn to have the courage to not feel like i have to say it...at all. that i'm gay. full stop. no explanations required.
my girl and i were window shopping for furniture a few months ago in newtown, sydney's other gay central (other than oxford st) and the shop assistant came up to us to and said hi. we were admiring this very cool leather couch when the shop assistant said 'yeah, i have that same couch and i also have the dog. the only thing missing is the wife'. it took a few seconds for me to register what she had said. i was so impressed with how she did it. we exchanged a few laughs and off we went. sometimes i find myself feeling like i have to explain and go through my personal history to get to my point. i left the store buzzing from that brief encounter.
'my partner...she...'
i was at a work meeting the other day and i had been wondering if she is gay. i have seen her wear a rainbow wristband but that could still mean anything. she has mentioned her partner a few times but have never followed it up with the 'he...or she...'. the other day she finally said it...'my partner works there. so my partner can pick up the art work....she...'. there! she finally said it! she's family. i left the meeting with a huge smile on my face.
i find the coming out quite excruciating at times. i am slowly realising that the level of comfort i feel about who i am also reflects on how comfortable i am about telling others. if i feel like i don't need to explain then it becomes just another topic of conversation or just like saying 'i'm don't like tea, i prefer coffee'.
there are times when i get frustrated with feeling like i have to come out all the time. then i ask myself why do i feel like i have to come out all all the time? why do i feel like i have to explain myself to everyone? straight people don't say 'hi, my name is....and i'm straight'.
but i also know that some friends/relationships will appreciate hearing it from me personally.
i sent another email to one of my close friends this morning. it took almost a month to write it, not sure why but for some reason i just struggled to get it finished. in the end i bit the bullet and decided to just write my thoughts and send it off. we'll see how she responds to it.
these last few weeks have been like 'coming out month' for me. i moved to sydney totally in the closet, not even knowing if i really will have the courage to come out. when i started my job i avoided all conversations related to dating and partners. i was that uncertain that i even made sure i mention enough 'dates with guys' stories in conversations. it was part of my process. i'm not proud of it but at the time i really didn't know how to deal with the 'i'm in the process of coming out' phase.
i am leaving this job totally out to everyone. everyone knows i am going back home to be with my girl. when my resignation comes up in conversations i now just say 'yes, i found a great job and my partner is in ... and she is ...'. i say this without blinking or changing the tone of my voice.
have i come a long way? oh god yes. major growth spurts in the last eighteen months.
confidence level up? yes. i guess i just feel more comfortable about not having to explain who i am. instead of feeling comfortable about having to explain who i am. quite a significant difference. i still stumble at times but it's getting easier.
so this blog started with me falling in love with my new found best friend.
this is not quite 'the end' of the story yet. in fact i see this as another chapter to this journey. our relationship has gone from we're best friends to 'let's see how this goes' -> to 'this is something worth paying attention to' -> to numerous flights to spend time together -> to 'here's a promise ring' -> to 'i'm moving back home to be with her'. my career is flexible enough to be able to handle the change, while she's is deeply rooted in her study commitments and her job opportunities.
she is amazing. you know how sometimes you dream of the kind of person you would love to end up with and wonder if it's ever going to happen or if it's possible at all. she is that person.
the next challenge is coming out to my old life back home. facing people who knew me as the straight-church-going-girl to the new me. i'm anxious. i've lost sleep over it. but each day i am reminded of what else i'm going back to. a life with her.
re-discovering my old stomping grounds with my new found life.
living an authentic life in a world that represents closetedness and years of denial will require a serious paradigm shift for me...and i feel like i have to explain this shift to everyone.
...but that's what it is...this is now about me...and maybe i will finally learn to have the courage to not feel like i have to say it...at all. that i'm gay. full stop. no explanations required.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
isn't it ironic, don't you think?
current status: came out to one of my best friends by email two weeks ago, i still haven't heard back from her.
it's like rain on your wedding day
it's a free ride when you're already late
it's a good advice that you just didn't take
and who would have thought it figures...
my version goes like this...
'best friend' finally realises she feels the same for me too. she's also coming to visit in about five weeks' time for mardi gras - amongst other things. hmmm. it's my ultimate dream come true. can you believe it? i know i said that i was getting over her sometime in october. well, i was in denial. i couldn't do it. it got more intense as the months progressed. it got even more intense as she started to respond. then we hit the wall and realised...what if this is it? (that was her)...what if she changes her mind and i'm left bleeding? (that was me).
so i sit here and wait...32 days more to go. thing is she's travelling right now and has no access to the net. in the last two weeks i've had to resort to text messaging and brief phone calls. the less contact i had with her, the more paranoid and pathetic i got. who would have thought i had that in me? i certainly didn't. amazing how the strongest feelings can bring out the worst in us. freaky. scary. stuff you see on tv and in others that you swore to yourself you will never, ever do. wrong! never say never.
of course there's a lot more to this than i can possibly blog about it. it's way more complicated and intense than that.
so back to the irony of it all...i have spent the last 10 months meeting online girls for coffee, wondering when i'll ever get asked on a date or when i'll meet someone i like enough to ask out on a date. well, guess what? it all happened in the last week. the week that 'best friend' and i finally got to a point where we both agreed 'let's see where this takes us...'.
a friend asked me on a real date and told me she's been thinking about me. a girl i met recently that i've been hanging out with turns out to be this hot, cool, spunky, smart chick that i would have asked out on a date (i've never asked anyone out on a date)...but you know what? i turned down a date with my friend and i will not be asking anyone out on a date.
i've waited for months to get to this place where something could happen with my best friend. there is no way i am going to jeopardise this with some random, fleeting curiosity (as curious as i may be). why? and how do i know this is what i want to do?
...when i talked to her briefly on the phone this morning before she disappeared on her big adventure trip...i knew she is the one i want to be with. she is the one i want to find out if we can make this work. as hard as it is with the distance right now...i need to wait and find out. some people say i'm mad, but i say...i have mad, strong feelings for her that i can't ignore. we have a connection that i've never had before (albeit online, skype, webcam, phone) but it's so important that i want to find out...need to find out. i can't wait to see her and finally meet her and hang out with her in real time, face to face.
of course this could totally flop and i could end up painfully heartbroken.
if things don't work out for us and we both realise that this isn't it...i may find myself totally dateless and back to square one again...this is one risk i am going to take. for love. or the potential of a future with her.
sick, huh?
i can't help it. it's how i feel.
oh the joys of online dating.
years ago i swore i will not get into an LDR.
again, never say never.
32 days to go..................
it's like rain on your wedding day
it's a free ride when you're already late
it's a good advice that you just didn't take
and who would have thought it figures...
my version goes like this...
'best friend' finally realises she feels the same for me too. she's also coming to visit in about five weeks' time for mardi gras - amongst other things. hmmm. it's my ultimate dream come true. can you believe it? i know i said that i was getting over her sometime in october. well, i was in denial. i couldn't do it. it got more intense as the months progressed. it got even more intense as she started to respond. then we hit the wall and realised...what if this is it? (that was her)...what if she changes her mind and i'm left bleeding? (that was me).
so i sit here and wait...32 days more to go. thing is she's travelling right now and has no access to the net. in the last two weeks i've had to resort to text messaging and brief phone calls. the less contact i had with her, the more paranoid and pathetic i got. who would have thought i had that in me? i certainly didn't. amazing how the strongest feelings can bring out the worst in us. freaky. scary. stuff you see on tv and in others that you swore to yourself you will never, ever do. wrong! never say never.
of course there's a lot more to this than i can possibly blog about it. it's way more complicated and intense than that.
so back to the irony of it all...i have spent the last 10 months meeting online girls for coffee, wondering when i'll ever get asked on a date or when i'll meet someone i like enough to ask out on a date. well, guess what? it all happened in the last week. the week that 'best friend' and i finally got to a point where we both agreed 'let's see where this takes us...'.
a friend asked me on a real date and told me she's been thinking about me. a girl i met recently that i've been hanging out with turns out to be this hot, cool, spunky, smart chick that i would have asked out on a date (i've never asked anyone out on a date)...but you know what? i turned down a date with my friend and i will not be asking anyone out on a date.
i've waited for months to get to this place where something could happen with my best friend. there is no way i am going to jeopardise this with some random, fleeting curiosity (as curious as i may be). why? and how do i know this is what i want to do?
...when i talked to her briefly on the phone this morning before she disappeared on her big adventure trip...i knew she is the one i want to be with. she is the one i want to find out if we can make this work. as hard as it is with the distance right now...i need to wait and find out. some people say i'm mad, but i say...i have mad, strong feelings for her that i can't ignore. we have a connection that i've never had before (albeit online, skype, webcam, phone) but it's so important that i want to find out...need to find out. i can't wait to see her and finally meet her and hang out with her in real time, face to face.
of course this could totally flop and i could end up painfully heartbroken.
if things don't work out for us and we both realise that this isn't it...i may find myself totally dateless and back to square one again...this is one risk i am going to take. for love. or the potential of a future with her.
sick, huh?
i can't help it. it's how i feel.
oh the joys of online dating.
years ago i swore i will not get into an LDR.
again, never say never.
32 days to go..................
Monday, November 26, 2007
OUT and about
current status: coming out
so i came out to some new friends last week. i knew it was going to come up so i prepared myself mentally and emotionally for the inevitable. there's only so much dodging one can do when questions like 'so what about you? are you seeing anyone?'. my usual response is 'no' and make it clear that i am not interested in discussing it further. i figured, i'm done with dodging. i want to let these friends know. so i told them. she (straight chick) said 'i kinda knew!', he (gay boy) said 'i had no idea'. another friend turned up later (straight boy) who said 'yeah, i knew that because you came in with [dyke friend]. so there, guilty by association. i was already out without knowing it.
the next day, a friend posted a picture on the web taken from a gig i went to. my first reaction was '[faint] - take that photo down now!'. i recovered quickly enough to realise how pathetic that must have sounded. my first thoughts were, i am not even out to everyone and what if they see the photo'. sensible friends basically said that only those who are in the know are likely to check that site anyway. my mom is never going to find out about that site! my thing is, i have been thinking about telling my mom but it's all about timing. i'd rather that she hears it form me first than through some other means. however, i also figured that it's quite symbolic. asking my friend to take the photo down is equivalent to me going right back deep into the closet.
so day one: out to new friends, who knew anyway
and day two: out to the whole city!
the first friend i shared this whole 'i am gay' thing told me 'be ready coz you won't be able to stop this once the ball starts rolling'.
i think this IS what she was talking about.
so i came out to some new friends last week. i knew it was going to come up so i prepared myself mentally and emotionally for the inevitable. there's only so much dodging one can do when questions like 'so what about you? are you seeing anyone?'. my usual response is 'no' and make it clear that i am not interested in discussing it further. i figured, i'm done with dodging. i want to let these friends know. so i told them. she (straight chick) said 'i kinda knew!', he (gay boy) said 'i had no idea'. another friend turned up later (straight boy) who said 'yeah, i knew that because you came in with [dyke friend]. so there, guilty by association. i was already out without knowing it.
the next day, a friend posted a picture on the web taken from a gig i went to. my first reaction was '[faint] - take that photo down now!'. i recovered quickly enough to realise how pathetic that must have sounded. my first thoughts were, i am not even out to everyone and what if they see the photo'. sensible friends basically said that only those who are in the know are likely to check that site anyway. my mom is never going to find out about that site! my thing is, i have been thinking about telling my mom but it's all about timing. i'd rather that she hears it form me first than through some other means. however, i also figured that it's quite symbolic. asking my friend to take the photo down is equivalent to me going right back deep into the closet.
so day one: out to new friends, who knew anyway
and day two: out to the whole city!
the first friend i shared this whole 'i am gay' thing told me 'be ready coz you won't be able to stop this once the ball starts rolling'.
i think this IS what she was talking about.
Friday, October 12, 2007
falling in love with your best friend
it's fitting to start my first posting on the very thing that has made some (or many) of us realise that we're gay. we fell in love with our best friends and we didn't even know it. we thought it was some deep connection, and maybe it was, but these connections got all mixed up with attraction and other 'interesting' thoughts.
so i met a girl online. we became the best of buddies. then i started to wonder when it was that we made a decision that this was only all about friendship. i got all confused. i told her i was attracted to her. holy moly and a few days of processing later, we agreed it's pure friendship - and a great one at that. so ouch. but yes, i agree. although i'd much rather marry her. i know friendship with her is what i really need right now and vice versa.
it takes a lot to focus the emotions away from attraction to platonic thoughts. but when you finally get to a place where it no longer stings as much as it used to, then you know you are slowly moving on.
that's what i call progress.
so i met a girl online. we became the best of buddies. then i started to wonder when it was that we made a decision that this was only all about friendship. i got all confused. i told her i was attracted to her. holy moly and a few days of processing later, we agreed it's pure friendship - and a great one at that. so ouch. but yes, i agree. although i'd much rather marry her. i know friendship with her is what i really need right now and vice versa.
it takes a lot to focus the emotions away from attraction to platonic thoughts. but when you finally get to a place where it no longer stings as much as it used to, then you know you are slowly moving on.
that's what i call progress.
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