i think this is what she meant when she said......"be prepared, because once it happens there's no stopping"...
my friend was of course referring to the coming out process.
that's kinda how i feel right now.
the decision to move back to be with the girl has a lot of implications and affects a huge part of my life. my old life. that i am trying to reconcile with the new. going back meant i am suddenly forced into supersonic coming out speed where what might have taken me a good few years to do is now taking about two weeks.
i came out to another friend who lives in the same city i'm moving back to. came out to another common friend and then another common friend. all christians. my connections in that city are mostly from the church.
interesting responses so far.
friend #1 (the one i'm closest to) responded with 'this is a shock, i need time to process. i'll get back to you as soon as i know what to say. it's been over a week.
friend #2 (who used to mentor me in all things related to faith) responded with 'i am saddedned by your news. i don't approve of this relationship. you know where i stand with this with regards to my faith but you're still my friend and i'm looking forward to catching up with you when you get back.
friend #3 (she was part of this group, we used to hang out together a lot but i'm not as close to her but still considers her a good friend) responded with 'I STILL LOVE YOU, you're still my friend, it must have so hard for you, i'm crying reading your email thinking about how hard it must have been'.
hmmm. i guess i am trying to grapple with the fact that my closest friends so far have responded with what seems like 'it's about them and how they feel about this'. why is that? why is it that the most personal thing i've shared with the suddenly becomes about them? does it have to do with them feeling betrayed from not having suspected or having known? are they suddenly thinking that maybe i was attracted to them?
my best friend of 19 years responded with (after three months of not having heard any response to my email) 'you ruined my year when i heard your news'.
albeit that maybe they preferred that i shared this with them in person or by phone...maybe. but not living in the same country right now meant that it's a much more difficult process. i knew that sending an email gives me the opportunity to really share deeply about my journey so far, instaed of trying to explain this process awkwardly on the phone. i also felt that this gives them an opportunity to proecss the news without the pressure of having to respond immediately if we were face to face or on the phone.
anyway...so suddenly news is getting out. i'm heading back. the paranoid version of me is sometimes worried about having to explain my new life to old friends. the pathetic version of me thinks life would be so much easier if i she moved to where i am instead (that way i don't have to face the judgment and questioning from people). the better version of me doesn't care too much because this is my life and i am no longer willing to live my life based on other people's expectations on me, on my own expectations of myself (the closeted me) and denying myself to happiness just because i am fearful that i am going to hell (due to years of religious programming).
so hasn't been the easiest of emotions. i almost feel like i've literally been kicked out of the closet, matched with a press release on facebook.
this would have taken 10 years if i had stayed here.
maybe less heartache, less chest pains, less fear and pain.
but here i am snowballing out of the closet and it's out control (my definition of control).
i can't say i'm enjoying it but it's one of those experiences where i know i only have to pass his way once...cringe factor and all....with my eyes partly covered to sheild me...but i know it's good for me.
character building? yes.
fun? i wouldn't quite call it fun.
a chance to live an authentic life in a world where i never thought it's possible? MOST DEFINITELY.
i can't turn back now.
i can only keep going forward.
one
step
at
a
time.
and sometimes it feels like a sprint.
uncomfortable.
but good for me in the long run.
oh life, coming out and all that.
i really have no choice but to sieze the day, the snowball can't exactly go back nor would i want to.
